How to interview people who hate being interviewed
- billthisdell
- Feb 23
- 5 min read
Interviews Are Like First Dates
Documentary interviews and first dates are the same thing. What I mean is: If you go on a first date and treat it like a fact-finding mission — grilling someone with questions, ticking boxes, trying to extract information — you're going to have a terrible time. And so are they.
Documentary interviews are no different. If you're just there to get answers, to fill your timeline with sound bites, the person you’re talking to will feel like they’re being strip-mined for content.
But if you approach it like you’re genuinely trying to connect with another human being, the whole dynamic changes.
Testimonial
After my last documentary, one of my interviewees gave me this testimonial:
“I usually hate interviews, but Bill made it feel really relaxed. The questions felt much more real — like a conversation with a friend. It was far more comfortable than I expected.”
That’s exactly the experience I want to create. So how do you actually do that? How do you make someone who hates interviews feel comfortable?
The Four Feelings Framework
In its simplest terms, being a great interviewer isn’t about your questions. It’s about how you make the other person feel.
For me, it comes down to four things:
Do they feel cared for?
Do they feel valued?
Do they feel respected?
Do they feel like you’re genuinely excited to talk to them?
You want your interviewee to feel like they’re the only person in the room. So how do you actually do that?
Subjects vs People
The first distinction to understand is the difference between the subject of the interview and the person you’re interviewing. They’re related, but they’re not the same. Where interviews can go wrong is when you fixate on the subject matter. It’s a mistake that I’ve made myself.
One of the worst interviews I’ve ever done came from trying to understand the subject during the interview, rather than understanding the person.
I was interviewing a quantum physicist and got completely bogged down in the technical details — essentially asking “but why? but why? but why?” over and over for an hour until eventually we gave up and he asked me not to post the video.
I think what happened there was I fixated on the subject matter, instead of trying to understand the man behind the quantum mechanics. And the result was exhausting for both of us. I was constantly doubting what to ask next – because I didn’t understand his answers. And he was losing confidence – because I didn’t understand his answers.
And that’s the key thing about interviews: you’re not filming a lecture. Yes, context matters. Yes, detail matters. But your job is to understand the person. How do they feel? What motivates them? Why do they care about this subject?
An interview is a collaborative, social experience, you’re there to chat – it’s not an interrogation.
So how do you actually create that collaborative feeling?
Start the Conversation Before You Hit Record
If you’re interviewing someone who isn’t used to being on camera, who might be quite nervous, you gotta think about the interview from their perspective.
They’re stressing about what you’ll ask, how they’ll sound, how they’ll look. They don’t want to feel foolish. And when someone is stuck in their head like that, it’s very hard for them to relax. So share your process with them.
I like to tell people upfront the direction of the interview — not specific questions, because I don’t want them to mentally rehearse their answers, but I do tell them what I’m hoping to understand. That gives them a context for the interview.
Another thing that I think is really important is from the moment you meet your person, way before a camera is involved, be conversational. Ask about their day, their work, what they had for breakfast, what tv shows they’re watching – get to know them as a person.
And also talk about yourself too. If they're nervous, the last thing they need is to feel like there's a spotlight on them. Share the burden of conversation
Think of an interview as a social event. It should be fun. You should be happy to be there. The whole vibe should be we’re chatting, we’re having a good time and then when the camera rolls? It's seamless. We're just continuing the conversation we were already having. The interview stops being this spectre hanging over them, and becomes just another part of two people hanging out.
Show Them You’re Really Listening
Once you’re in the interview, you’ve got to be fully present.
Yes – eye contact, nodding, talking with a smile. But a lot people know to do all that, and are still not really in the conversation. They’re mentally preparing their next pre-written question.
So the slightly better thing to do is to build directly off what the person is telling you. This can be adopting their language. For example, if they describe something as “exciting,” use the word exciting when you ask about it.
Really, the big point here is to remember what they’ve said. If something interesting comes up in the interview, make a note of it and bring it up later.
You might say:
“Earlier you mentioned X — how does that connect to what you’re saying now?”
“When you said X, it reminded me of Y…”
If someone’s nervous about sharing their story, little things like that are huge. It’s reassuring. It’s validating. It tells them they’re being understood, and that you’re working with them
Listen for the Emotional Layer
Once you’re fully present, you’re building on what they’re saying, you need to listen for the emotional layer of the conversation — that’s where documentary interviews get really good.
This is fundamentally what I missed in that quantum interview. But the woman who gave me the good testimonial. I was interviewing a marine biologist about ecological collapse along the California coast. We were talking about technical details — exploding urchin populations and dying kelp forests.
But because I was present and chatting and enjoying the conversation, I asked: “Do you have nightmares about urchin barrens?”
Her reaction was so personable and lovely — not because it was a clever question, but because it gave her permission to talk about what was already there emotionally.
That’s something you really want to look for when interviewing. You always want to give people space to express how they feel. When you give someone that chance, they’ll feel valued.
Final Thoughts
Being good at interviews is really just being good at conversation. When you genuinely care, when you’re present, and when you’re listening for the emotional layer, people feel it. And they can tell immediately if you’re faking it — you actually have to care.
But if you do, they’ll be way more comfortable, they’ll open up, and they’ll trust you. And that’s how interviews start to feel like conversations with a friend.
And if it makes you better at dating too — that’s a bonus.